


oh jealousy look at me now

by RaiLockhart



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Barry Allen/Patty Spivot relationship, F/M, Jealous Iris, Jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5542595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaiLockhart/pseuds/RaiLockhart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iris is fine with Barry being in a relationship. Totally fine. 100 percent, completely fine. And he wants to tell Patty his secret? After only knowing her a few months? Perfectly, wonderfully fine. Great, even.</p><p>(Or not.)</p><p>Previously posted on tumblr under journalistiriswest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh how wrong can you be?

**Author's Note:**

> On tumblr, this is part one of the Jealous!Iris series.

She picked up a fry. “I’m not saying it’s a problem, or anything.”

“I didn’t say you said it _was_ a problem,” Caitlin replied, staring at the rat in its cage and then tapping out a few notes on her tablet. Much easier, she’d said, than paper. Paper tended to get lost in this lab.

Iris picked up another fry. “It’s just a little rude, is all,” she said. “It was a family dinner. And I don’t exactly consider girlfriends of one month to be family.”

Caitlin watched the rat sniff the piece of cheese she dropped in its cage. “You invited me and Cisco,” she pointed out. “To your family dinner.”

“Okay, well, Flash family. You know, the _team_. A dinner for us. And then she comes _waltzing_ in, smiling and holding a freaking _green bean casserole_ when I very specifically told everyone that I would make all of the main food and they could bring desserts if they _wanted_ to-”

“Iris,” Caitlin warned, cutting her eyes over to her friend.

Iris took a deep breath, and exhaled. “Sorry. I know that she was just trying to be nice. But I wanted to make a dinner for all of us, you know? A kind of reward for all of the good things we’ve done this month.”

Caitlin nodded, peering back at her subject. “Barry invited her, though,” Caitlin pointed out. “And he is The Flash. Shouldn’t he get a say in who comes to his reward dinner?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek and stared down at her fingernails. “It was just embarrassing,” Iris lied. “I hadn’t even made a place for her, because Barry didn’t let me know she was coming. So it looked like I didn’t want her there.”

“Patty did not think that,” Caitlin said. “She knew that Barry didn’t tell you. And she was very apologetic about imposing. You should be more mad at Barry than you are at Patty. She was just a guest. He was the one that didn’t tell you she was coming.”

Iris sighed. Part of the reason that she enjoyed venting to Caitlin was that Caitlin was very good at being impartial while still being on her side. “I know. But having Patty there,” she said, her anger mostly defeated, “we couldn’t talk about anything about the Flash. Other than his public saves and his appearances and my articles. If that’s how it’s going to be whenever she’s around, that’s just awkward.”

Caitlin paused, and Iris saw her bite her lip. She could tell that her friend was trying to make it seem like she was very pointedly studying her rat, but… “What is it?” Iris asked. “What do you know that you’re not telling me? No lies, remember? You promised.”

Caitlin set down her tablet and walked over to Iris slowly, grabbing a few of her french fries when she finally got there. “He’s thinking about telling her,” Caitlin said quietly, and Iris’s heart sped up and she blinked rapidly and she wondered if the tingling in her fingers (like there was electricity running all over her skin) was normal.

“What?”

She looked at Caitlin, and Caitlin looked back, her eyes soft and her eyebrows pushed together. “He thinks it would be a good thing, to have her on the team, and he thinks she’s proven herself-”

“So he wants to tell her?” Iris asked. She hated that her voice shook. And her hands. And her entire body. “After just three months of knowing her?”

“Iris,” Caitlin said, reaching out, but she backed up. Away from her friend. Into a chair.

He was going to tell her. Tell Patty. His girlfriend of one month. Her dad’s partner of three.

“It’s fine,” she lied again. “It’s his decision. He… he can tell whoever he wants. Whenever he wants. That’s what he’s always done, right?”

No pretenses about lying through his teeth to keep Patty safe. He was just going to tell her. Because he trusted her. Because he cared about her. Because, apparently, she was worthy.

Iris swallowed, but there was a lump in her throat that didn’t want to fall.

Barry _whooshed_ in, scattering both Iris and Caitlin’s hair around their head. The rat scurried away, hiding behind it’s wheel, and Iris knew how it felt. “Hey Caitlin,” he said. “Wassup, Iris… Oh, thank god. You have food. Do you mind if I have a bite?”

He grabbed a few of her fries and then eyed her uneaten sandwich hungrily. “Have at it,” Iris said. “I have to go, anyway.”

Caitlin was still staring at her like she was afraid Iris would break, but Iris ignored her. She shoved her phone and her wallet into her purse and avoided looking in Barry’s general direction.

She was still shaking.

“Thanks for everything, Cait,” Iris said, trying to infuse as much life into her voice as possible and failing miserably. “I’ll see you on Thursday for our wine night.”

She felt a hand tighten around her arm as she tried to walk out, and she paused, her eyes straight ahead. She could tell it was him from the size of his hand and from the jolt of electricity that leapt into her heart. She just couldn’t look at him. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

She laughed, breathy and oh so close to tears. “Yeah,” she said, not even turning to him. “Yeah, I just gotta run. My lunch break officially ended five minutes ago and I don’t want to be even more late than I am.”

“I can run you back,” he offered. “You’ll be there in no time.”

Iris smiled at the door. “It’s fine. I drove. It would seem weird to come back without my car.”

She wrenched her arm from his grip and held herself together until she made it out of the building and into her vehicle in the STAR Labs parking lot.


	2. Oh to fall in love was my very first mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously posted on tumblr under journalistiriswest.
> 
> I'm trying to get some of my longer pieces up on ao3, so I apologize to everyone who has read this before and was hoping for something new.

It’s stupid, but she still came to the rooftop of Jitters to think. 

Iris took a shaky breath and looked out over the city. It seemed like every time something happened she ended up here, and she hated herself for looking for the familiar streak of bright yellow that illuminated alleys and streets. She hated herself for looking for him.

 _All of this time_ , she thought bitterly, and closed her eyes against the soft wind. Ever since she found out Barry was the Flash, she’d tried and tried to justify his betrayal, tried to justify why he would lie to her like that, why he would tell every other person in her life and leave her behind, leave her to find out on her own. Because he certainly hadn’t.

So she tried to be honest for him: He lied because he cared about her. Because he didn’t want to see her hurt. Or maybe he didn’t want too many people to know and she was some sort of liability that he just couldn’t ignore. Maybe he wanted to have something that was separate from her, after their entire lives had been so intertwined. 

Her phone rang and Iris glanced down at Caitlin’s picture as she hit ignore. 

The air, as the sun finally dropped below the horizon and the entire city darkened, was unseasonably warm. Iris shrugged out of her jacket and leaned against the cool cement. Maybe, she thought as silent tears streaked down her cheeks, maybe, despite what he said, he just didn’t trust her.

But he trusted Patty. After three months. He trusted her judgement, and trusted her to keep quiet, and trusted her to protect herself. He saw something in her that he hadn’t seen in Iris. 

It felt like a dull knife through her heart, twisted by his hand.

Her phone rang again. Iris sighed and answered, holding the phone against her wet cheek. “Caitlin, I’m fine,” she said. 

Caitlin was silent for a single beat. “I’m not Caitlin,” he said, and Iris was sure that she felt her heart break into a thousand tiny pieces. “Iris, what’s wrong?”

“What do you want, Barry?” she asked instead of answering. “I’m a little bit busy right now.”

“You’re not with Caitlin,” he said. “And your only other friend is out of town. It’s not like you have that many people you hang out with.”

“And _whose_ fault is that?” she asked before she could stop herself. She felt her breath catch in her throat and Iris tensed up. She knew Barry caught her meaning, knew that she was thinking about Eddie. 

She listened to the silence on the other end of the line. “Iris,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry. I know it… it has to be hard. I just… What’s wrong? Just tell me how I can help.”

Iris wanted to scream. She wanted to scream at him through the phone, to force him to explain to her why he thought it was okay to lie to her, his best friend since before he can even remember, but couldn’t stand to lie to Patty. She clamped it all down. “Don’t worry about it,” she said and tried to sound happy. 

“Come on, Iris, I can tell-”

“Don’t, Barry,” she said. “Not tonight.”

She felt him arrive before the line even went dead. Her eyes closed and her hand tightened around her phone and she willed herself to stop heaving, to stop crying. “I knew it,” he said. “You’re avoiding me.”

It was a statement, not a question.

She didn’t turn around.

“I tried to tell myself that I was imagining things, but it’s been weeks, Iris, and I haven’t seen you once. Not since the day I caught you at the lab with Caitlin.” She heard him walk toward her, and for a second (as he stood behind her, only inches away, on the same rooftop, the same stance) her heart sped up. Then he touched her arm, lightly, and Iris jerked away. 

Barry took a step back. “What’s going on?” he demanded. “Are you pissed at me? Come on, Iris. I’m your best friend. You can trust me.”

“It’s nothing,” she said.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said.

She laughed bitterly. “Oh, that’s rich, coming from you. _Don’t lie_. And when did that become a policy, Barry?” Before or after she found out he was the Flash? Before or after he decided to tell Patty? 

He groaned, loud and frustrated and so horribly reminiscent of their teenage years. “How many times do I have to apologize for that?” he asked. “I know I screwed up, Iris, okay? Not telling you was the worst mistake I could have made, and I’m not going to repeat…” He trailed off. 

Iris turned and looked at him, and he stared at the tears on her cheeks, at her presumably smeared makeup. 

“You heard,” he stated. She nodded. “That day, in the lab. With Caitlin?” She nodded again. “Oh, god, Iris.”

“You didn’t even tell me,” she said, and a fresh wave of tears hit, and she hated that she was crying. She hated him for making her cry. “ _You_  didn’t even tell _me_.”

He moved forward, his hands hovering over her bare upper arms but not quite touching her. She took a huge step back, away from even the ghost of his embrace. “I told you,” he said. “It was the worst mistake I could have made in that situation.” 

“Not about that!” _Well, partially about that._  “You didn’t even tell me you wanted to tell Patty. You told Caitlin, and Cisco, and god probably even my dad, and you didn’t even bother to tell me that you were thinking about it. Didn’t even _ask me_ what I thought. I am part of Team Flash, too,” she said. “I am part of the team too and you are the _only_  one who doesn’t act like it!”

She looked up at him, and as she watched his face transformed. “That’s what you’re upset about?” he asked, and she could hear the anger and annoyance in his voice. “Seriously? I know you’re part of the team Iris. I want you there, and I know you help Cisco and Caitlin. But I didn’t tell you because I knew how you’d react, not because I don’t think you’re part of the team.”

Iris looked away and shook her head. “And how’s that?” she asked. “How’d you think I would react?”

“You’d be pissed off and upset and… and _whatever_ ,” he said. “I know you don’t like Patty, okay? And I know that I screwed up when I didn’t tell you, and that you’d feel like the world was unfair. That you’d be jealous that she found out.”

She inhaled sharply. “Is that really what you think of me? Do you really think so little of me that you imagined I’d be so petty? I may have been jealous at first that you were going to tell her, Barry, but that’s not why I’m upset.”

He sneered. It wasn’t a good look on him. “Then why are you upset, Iris?”

“I’m upset because you don’t trust me!” she shouted, and Barry froze. The anger was stuck on his face but his eyes had lost it, already. “I’m upset because you just prove time and time again that you don’t trust me. No matter what you say or what I do, you leave me out and justify it to yourself so you don’t have to say it out loud.”

She heaved, and tears dripped down her chin, and Iris didn’t care. She stared at him, waited for him to say something. To say anything. 

The soft breeze rustled through the leaves of the plants on the roof. She could hear a car honk it’s horn down below, and, as always in a big city, sirens off in the distance. She could hear the noise of humanity, alive and vibrant and moving, even as she and Barry stood still on the rooftop, faces illuminated by far off lights and the moon.

“I trust you,” he said, finally, painfully, and she turned away from him. “I trust you more than I trust anyone else in my life, Iris. I always have.”

She pressed her lips into a thin line and closed her eyes. “No Barry,” she said, “You don’t.”


	3. How was I to know I was far too much in love to see?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously posted on tumblr under journalistiriswest.
> 
> This chapter is rather angsty... Sorry 'bout that. I hear the next chapter is gonna be good, though.

It’s frightening how quickly she fell back into the routine she had before she knew. She woke up in her apartment and went to Jitters to grab coffee before she headed into the office, and then she researched stories for more experienced journalists and worked on her own pieces about the city and she wrote about the Flash as though she didn’t know him, as though the face under the leather mask was a mystery she couldn’t solve. The Flash Saves Hundreds From Building Collapse, she wrote, and it was almost easy to imagine that it wasn’t Barry. Flash Triumphs Over Captain Cold. The Flash Teams Up With New Hero. He was just a headline to her, now. He was the subject of her articles, a name that drew readers to her work.

It felt like it should be impossible to turn back time like this; she was a different person than she was before Barry’s secrets. Shouldn’t this be harder? she wondered. Shouldn’t she be be irrevocably changed?

But within three days of not showing up to Star Labs, it felt awkward to think about heading back, and within eight Caitlin stopped asking her when she was coming back. It took her two weeks to stop checking her phone for an update from Cisco when something big went down, but only ten days for her to stop thinking of herself as part of Team Flash.

Iris hadn’t spoken to Barry in over a month.

She still clicked on his name in her phone when she had some kind of news, a joke, or a random thought before thinking better of it. (Iris wasn’t going to speak to him until he apologized. Or at least until he made the effort to speak to her first.) She wondered how long it would take her to break that particular habit. Last time, it was three months. Then again, last time, he was in a coma.

Iris sighed and set down her pen on her desk; she clearly wasn’t going to get any work done through her lunch hour, and really, she needed to get out of the office anyway. The weather was beautiful, and the late November sunshine called to her, and who was she to refuse? She pulled on her jacket (she spilled coffee on her favorite green one last week, and the dry cleaner said it would be another few days) and walked out the door, her mind clouded and her destination unclear.

They had been in fights before, but never quite like this. She hadn’t been in a fight with anyone that was so bad that she had to show up teary eyed with a bottle of wine at a friend’s door, and yet the night after the last time she’d talked to Barry, she was in Caitlin’s apartment crying into a pillow and drinking cheap pinot grigio. It felt like some part of her she didn’t even know existed was ripped out of her, and now she was trying to live with only one lung. She thought after Eddie died, she would never feel like she couldn’t breathe again, but this was somehow worse.

She weaved through throngs of people on the sidewalk and took none of it in. Her feet wandered in time with her mind, leading her in directions she didn’t want to go, and it wasn’t until she was in the elevator that Iris realized she walked to the police department. It shouldn’t have been a surprise; this place was even more ingrained in her than her own work, more of a home away from Joe’s home than her own apartment. And even though she avoided it, unless she knew he wasn’t going to be there, it was still part of her. The elevator dinged, and Iris stepped out into the atrium, and no one stared at her, or wondered aloud why she was here, or even took notice of her.

Just like old times, she thought. Just like every time she had ever come here over the course of her entire life. She moved unhindered toward the office, and thought that it was good she was here. Maybe she and her father could go out for lunch together, and he could tell her about his cases and ask about her articles and take her mind off of everything.

Iris glanced into the precinct and couldn’t find her father anywhere. There weren’t that many people: Captain Singh yelling at a rookie, a few officers standing next to the water cooler and chatting, and then a woman talking to-

Dread blossomed in her chest and spread heavy tentacles outward, circling her lungs and her heart and then upward toward her throat. Her breathing was shallow and pained and her heart beat painfully in her chest, every single pulsation an assault against her rib cage.

Barry sat on the edge of Patty’s desk, and she was in her chair, and they were touching. His knee hit her upper thigh and her hand was on his arm, and she’d never seen two people look so completely consumed by each other. She couldn’t see Patty’s face, but she could see Barry’s, and he looked utterly happy as he listened to her, a soft smile on his face. He didn’t look up when someone passed by, or when an intern accidentally ran into the door next to her and caused everyone else but then two of them to jump.

She watched them for a second, watched as Patty told a story using big, sweeping movements of her hands. A large circle one second, followed by the flick of her wrist. Then she laughed, and Barry followed her lead, his eyes closing for the briefest of seconds. She couldn’t make out the details but she knew them perfectly. The way the skin around his eyes crinkled and how his laugh started low before gaining momentum and volume, how when he found something truly funny - like he apparently did at this very moment - he would touch his hand to the other person’s upper arm. They kept talking to one another for a few minutes; Patty with her hands and Barry with his expressions.

Patty accidentally knocked something off of her desk, and Iris saw it fall for two whole seconds. Then it was back on her desk, in the same place it had been before she hit it. She saw Patty glance around quickly, and she angled herself so she was hidden by the door frame, but then Patty hit Barry in the leg and Iris knew.

He told her.

Agony curled around her rib cage and squeezed. Her bones cracked and she wanted to cry, and she wondered if Barry felt even an ounce of this when he saw her and Eddie together. Iris didn’t even know why she was surprised; he was planning on telling Patty, and it wasn’t like some small fight was going to stop him. But she hoped (irrationally) that Barry would rethink it, or break his radio silence and talk to her about it, or even just give her a freaking heads up. She thought he would, at the very least, tell Caitlin to let Iris know it happened.

Iris spun away from the door and pressed herself against the frosted glass, her eyes shut. She pictured Patty in the Cortex, working with Cisco and Caitlin as they tried to figure out metas. She imagined Patty gripping Barry’s hand when he came limping back after a particularly bad mission, when he needed someone softer there with him as Caitlin patched him up. She thought about Patty joking with Cisco, and talking with Caitlin.

“Iris? What’s wrong?”

She opened her eyes and wiped the tears off of her cheeks. Joe looked at her, and then into the precinct, and then back at her. “You should go talk to him,” Joe said. “He would want to see you, Iris.”

She knew how easy it would be; she could walk in with her father, and they would look at each other, and then, somehow, they’d find their way back to his lab, just the two of them. To talk. And maybe they would be able to work through it. Maybe they could put themselves back together piece by piece and start working toward some kind of healing.

“Daddy,” Iris said, her voice small, “I know this isn’t fair to say, but please. If you love me, you will never, ever tell him I was here.”

Joe pressed his lips together, and he nodded.

She gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked toward the elevator, her heart heavy and her eyes blurred with unshed tears.


	4. Jealousy you got me somehow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously posted on tumblr under journalistiriswest
> 
> follow my tumblr for more fanfiction! (I only have a very, very small collection up on ao3.)

Iris stretched out on the couch, a two day old, half-eaten pan of brownies sitting on the coffee table next to a glass and a bottle of wine. It was a rare Friday night; Linda had plans and Iris had none, so she was alone in the apartment. Finally, blissfully alone.

Exactly what she had wanted.

She held the remote in her hand, the TV waiting to be turned on. She wanted to make a dent in her massive Netflix queue, to unwind from a hard week at work and an even worse month and a half of her life. She’d heard great things about the Great British Bake Off, and she couldn’t watch it with Linda there for fear that her friend would attempt to make everything and they’d both end up a hundred pounds heavier. And then there was the newest Netflix original that the entertainment writers couldn’t get enough of, the one that she’d added only two days ago when it came out. She’d practically dreamed of watching these shows during her lunch break at work, imagining herself vegging out in front of the TV for the first time in what felt like forever. She even made it clear to her roommate before they left work that Linda was not allowed to come back before midnight unless the dinner and drinks were terrible. It was seven. She had five hours left to herself before Linda knocked at the door, tipsy and happy and glad that Iris had taken her keys from her before she left so she couldn’t drive home.

Her finger rested on top of the power button. Iris stared at the blank TV screen. She wanted to press the button, wanted to _want_ to press the button. To drift into a mindless state of being where nothing mattered but the bakers on the screen and what they were doing, the things they were creating. She wanted to lose herself to a reality where she didn’t exist, where none of the characters had ever heard of the Flash much less of Iris West, the girl who wrote about him. She wanted not to think about Barry and his problems and all of the complications that came with knowing him and loving him and missing him.

Iris set down the remote and leaned further into the stiff cushions, her brownies still untouched and the bottle not open. She closed her eyes, listening to the silence that being alone brought her. This is what she wanted, she told herself. What she was looking forward to.

She picked her phone up off the armrest and unlocked it, clicking on her messages. Her most recent conversation was with Linda, full of meaningless emojis and reminders for groceries, jokes and laughter and hints of office gossip. Caitlin’s messages were tamer, by comparison, and much easier to make sense of, but they were heavier, more dense because of the subtext, because of the words they left out. Things haven’t been the same at work, Caitlin told her, and she knew what that meant. Texts from her father were sharper, more to the point; he told her that she needed to talk, that she needed to come back. That he loved her. And, if she wanted to come, he planned another family dinner with Caitlin and Cisco and everyone else.

The conversation with _him_ , though, was one-sided. A mess of messages that said _talk to me_ and _I hope you’re doing well_ and I _ris, please._ Questions that she never answered about how she was doing or if she had gotten the information she needed for her article from Cisco. And then, the latest, from a week ago: “I miss you.”

She read it, and then read it again, closing her eyes to hold in the tears for this self-inflicted wound.

She had written him back to say, “I miss you too,” but she never sent it. She erased the message as soon as it was typed out. It had been two weeks since she saw him in the precinct, and she hadn’t talked to him since a month before that. Barry, for his part, hadn’t done anything other than send her the occasional text. He hadn’t talked to her, nor did he seek her out. He knew where to find her, and knew that, if he really wanted to, he could set up a time or a place to talk in person. Not just text her or call her or hope that she broke down first and came back to him.

She wondered if she was being too stubborn. If, really, she was overreacting to what was a normal part of life. He moved on. He moved on, and he really cared about this woman, and he trusted her. He respected her.

She wondered if he loved her.

She wondered if he loved her like Barry said he loved Iris.

Oh, the cruel irony of unrequited love.

Iris set her phone on the table and wiped away the tears that slid down her cheeks. She didn’t want to waste another night crying and staring at the ceiling, too sad to do anything but think about all of the things that were going so very wrong in her life. She had cried a few times after their fight, and she’d spent nearly every night these past two weeks trying to distract herself with work and friends and adventures with Linda. All so she wouldn’t break down and start crying again, like she had the day she saw Patty and Barry together, the day she found out he told Patty his secret.

She thought she was ready to handle it, that she could spent a night by herself without all of the feelings she’d tried to block out pouring back into her.

She pushed herself up from the couch and into a sitting position. She wasn’t going to wallow, to let her night alone go to waste because of him. Netflix called to her, and Linda’s brownies were fudgy and chocolatey and delicious, and this wine wasn’t going to drink itself. Everything she needed to have a great night was right in front of her. Everything she needed to push herself out of this slump and make an effort at happiness.

The TV remained off, and the brownies stayed in their pan, and Iris balled her hands into fists. _Goddamn it,_ she thought. _Just move. Do anything_.

A knock at the door shook her out of her trance, finally, and she finally got up, wiping away her tears and trying to make a smile that didn’t look forced or fake. The keys Linda left sat on the table by the door, her Central City Diamonds keychain visible. Her night out must’ve been pretty bad to be back so early. But at this point, Iris would welcome the distraction, would be glad to have a reason to break open the bottle.

“Back so soon?” she asked, pulling the door open.

“Not soon enough,” he said, and Iris’ jaw dropped slightly. Her entire body tensed, and her knuckles paled due to the force of her grip on the door handle, and she forgot for a second how to breathe.

Barry was standing there, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket, looking down at her with the most miserable, apologetic look on his face. She could see the hint of a smile, though, hidden underneath all of his bashful apologies. Like he couldn’t help but smile when he saw her. Like he was fighting himself not to grin.

They stared at each other for a few seconds. Neither of them said a word.

“What are you doing here, Barry?” Iris asked, finally breaking the silence between them.

His eyes drifted away from her. “I wanted to see you,” he said. “I haven’t seen you since that night, on the roof, and god, Iris. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed my best friend.”

She ignored the sting of his words. _Best friend_. “You’ve known where to find me,” she said. “It’s not like I was halfway across the world.”

“I know. I know. I just…” He trailed off, looking more uncomfortable by the second. “Can I come in?”

For a split second, she thought about saying no. About being petty and rejecting him and shutting the door in his face. “Yeah,” she said, opening the door wider to let him in. “Of course, Barry.”

He walked past her and went straight for the couch as she shut the door, turning to smirk once he saw the brownies and wine. “Looks like you had a fun night planned.”

“It was going to be, yes,” she said. She sat down on the opposite end of the couch. “Linda is out with an old friend from college, so I have the apartment to myself.”

“Fun,” he said.

Barry was determined to look everywhere but her face, but Iris kept her gaze steady. He kept glancing down at the table, and picking at some invisible fluff on his shirt, even looking down at her comfy sweatpants a few times. She wondered if he had a plan, when he came over. Or if he was expecting her to be out, if he thought that he wouldn’t even catch her here. He’d stopped by her dad’s place a few times, apparently, looking for her.

He finally looked at her. “I stopped the Golden Glider tonight,” he told her with a small smile. “She was trying to break into a few jewelry stores while her brother’s crew was out of town. She was surprisingly difficult to fight, actually, but you know how she is when Cisco is there.”

Iris pursed her lips. “Did you come to give an interview?” she asked, her voice flat. “If so, I need to grab my recorder.”

“No. No, I didn’t come here to talk about the Flash,” he said. “I mean, we can. If you want to. I can get into Flash mode and answer your questions if that will… If that’s something you need.”

“Then why did you come?”

He sighed, and turned away from her, hunching over and holding his face in his hands. “I miss you, Iris,” he said through his fingers. She closed her eyes and savored the words, savored the way his voice sounded when he said it. “I miss you every day. I miss talking to you and having you at Star Labs and seeing you at Joe’s house. I miss you trying to get an official quote from the Flash and I miss you yelling at me for running into danger and I miss hearing your voice over the comm.”

“I miss you too, Barry,” she said, her voice small.

He shifted then, angling himself to look at her face. “You do?”

Iris nodded. “Of course I do. You’re not the only one who’s been out a best friend.”

“Right.”

He smiled again, wider this time. She wanted to smile right back at him, to reach out and grab him and hug him. Press herself into his body. Feel his warmth around her, feel his arms envelop her. She could picture it all so clearly, how safe she would feel. How the pain and stress that had built up since their fight would fade away in his embrace. That would be simple. It would be so simple to give into that, to make things easy for the both of them.

She could forgive him, if he hugged her. She would forgive him in a heartbeat.

Instead, neither of them moved. They stayed on opposite ends of the couch, looking at each other, each waiting for the other to make a move, to say something.

“Listen, Iris,” he said slowly. “I wanted to apologize. For everything. For how I acted on the roof that night. For not telling you I was the Flash all those months ago. And for not coming to find you sooner.”

She swallowed. “It’s fine,” she lied.

“No, it’s not. I was a jerk. A huge one. And the worst part is, you were right. Well, kind of. I do trust you,” Barry said. “You have to know that. I trust you more than I trust anyone else. But you were right that I didn’t think of you as part of our team. And you were right that I kept leaving you out of our problems and our issues, and trying to justify why I was doing it.”

He sighed, his fingers drumming up against his leg just a little faster than a normal human could move them. Barry shifted again, pulling closer to her. “I wanted to protect you, Iris. I wanted to keep you separate from that life because it’s dangerous. And I know that it’s stupid because you can handle yourself, certainly better than Caitlin or Dr. Stein or even me, without my speed. But I wanted to keep you safe. I couldn’t… I thought that the deeper entrenched you were into that life, the more threats you would face. I couldn’t risk your life.”

She swallowed again, her throat impossibly dry. “I face those threats even if I’m not on the team. I’m out there, investigating metahumans you haven’t fought yet.”

“I know,” he said. “I realized I was being stupid. I was more than willing to put your dad in danger, to put Cisco and Caitlin and even Patty in danger, but I didn’t respect my best friend enough to know she could protect herself? If helping out the team is something you want to, then I want you there.”

“Patty is part of the team now?” Iris asked. “You said you put Patty in danger, too. Did you tell her?” She knew the answer, of course. She remembered the look Patty gave him after she knocked off her mug. That giggly, I-have-a-secret look.

He blinked. “Yeah. God, I forget I hadn’t told her the last time we talked. I told her, maybe three weeks ago? She’s been coming to the lab to help us when she has nights off. Your dad wasn’t too happy I told her at first, but I think he’s come around to it. At least he doesn’t have to lie anymore.”

“I can see how that would be nice,” she said, her voice measured and level, devoid of emotion.

“She’s actually been pushing me to come and talk you. I think she can tell that I’ve been off for the past few weeks. Longer than that, really.”

Iris nodded. She was staring at the pan of brownies, and just looking at them was making her stomach twist into knots.

Barry continued, oblivious. “She wants to get to know you, since you’re such a big part of my life. And I think you two would get along really well. Actually, she reminds me of you a little bit. Just as tough, and funny. She can read me like you can, too. I’m kind of surprised she didn’t figure out I was the Flash before I told her. But yeah. I think she would really like to get to know you.”

“That sounds great,” she said.

He stared at her, his eyebrows knit together. “Are you okay?” he asked.

Iris looked over at him and smiled, trying to force a healthy amount of happiness to assure him. “I’m fine, Barry. Totally fine. It was just a really long week at the office, you know?”

“Oh, yeah. I interrupted your me time. I am so sorry,” he said. “I should go and let you get back to eating those delicious brownies. Did you make those yourself?”

“Linda did, actually. A few days ago.”

Barry chuckled. “A few days? Since when have you ever let brownies stay around for more than a night? They must be terrible.”

Iris reached over and grabbed one, handing it to him. “They are wonderful, actually. She can bake. I just haven’t been in the mood for brownies lately.”

The brownie was already gone, swallowed in a bite too fast for her to see. “Okay, now that’s cause for concern,” he said. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she told him. She stood up and Barry followed suit. She could feel his eyes on her back as they moved toward the door. “Just work stress. How about you and I make plans to get lunch on Sunday or something? And really talk to each other once I’ve had some recovery time from the week from hell? I’ll make sure to tell you all about it if you promise to give me a Flash quote.”

“Iris,” he said, and the way he said her name sent shivers up her spine. “What’s going on right now? Are you still mad at me? It’s okay if you are.”

She felt like crying, for some reason. “No. No, not at all. Your apology was great, Bear. Nothing’s going on. I’m just tired.”

She pulled on the front door, opening it to let him out. He leaned his hand against it and shut it, his strength overpowering hers easily. “Talk to me.”

Iris gulped. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yes, there is.”

“I’m telling you, I’m fine.”

“Oh, come on. I can tell there is something upsetting you.”

She tried to give him a wry smile. “Nothing is wrong. There is nothing to talk about. I’m happy! I am. Let’s talk on Sunday, okay?”

Barry frowned. “You’re my best friend, Iris. You don’t think I can tell when something is eating away at you?”

“Nothing is eating away at me.”

“Tell me the truth.”

“I am telling you the truth.“

He rolled his eyes. “Right.”

She pursed her lips and looked up at him, one eyebrow cocked. “What, you don’t trust me again?”

“I knew you were still mad.”

“I’m not still mad,” Iris told him. “You’re just being kind of pushy, right now. We just made up like five minutes ago.”

Barry stared back down at her. “I know, but I can tell there’s something wrong that’s not just work. And I don’t want to leave you here when you’re so upset.”

“I’m not upset.”

“You are,” he said.

“I’m really not. I’m fine.”

He nodded. “If you were fine, then you wouldn’t look like you’re about to fall apart.”

“I do not look like I’m about to fall apart.”

“You do,” he told her.

Iris looked at the door. “Do not.”

“Do too.”

“Shut up.”

“Just be honest!”

“I love you!” Her voice exploded from her, her words spilling out into the air between them. “Okay? Happy now?”

It took her a second to register exactly what she admitted. She was staring at him, at his face, and she could see how pale his face was, and could see the tips of his ears beginning to redden, and then it all came to her. Exactly what she said. What it meant.

Barry didn’t say a word. It was like she had broken him, had stopped his brain from being able to function correctly. He blinked once or twice, but he wasn’t moving, and he wasn’t speaking.

Iris pulled on the door and his hand dropped to his side. “I need you to leave now,” she told him.

That shook him, finally. Her voice made him move just a fraction of an inch, and then he came back, piece by piece. “Iris,” he said quietly. “I… We need to talk about…”

“No,” she said. “I need you to leave.”

He looked at her like he was going to protest, but she put her hand on his chest and pushed him out, shutting the door in his face. Her back fell onto the door and she slumped down, falling to the ground slowly, her hands on her cheeks and her fingers knotted into her hair.


	5. You gave me no warning, took me by surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also posted on tumblr at journalistiriswest.

“You didn’t tell him where I was, did you?”

Linda sighed. “No, I did not tell him that you were hiding out down by-”

“Don’t say it,” Iris said quickly. “He could be listening.” Which was stupid, she knew, but she was on edge. And there was no way for her to tell if Barry was snooping outside of the apartment while Linda was on the phone. It wasn’t like Linda was staring through the peep hole, looking for a vague blur in the hallway.

“Yeah, because one of the Flash’s powers is the ability to hear anything in a hundred mile radius,” Linda retorted. “Look, Iris, he runs faster than the speed of sound. I’m pretty sure he’s going to find you on his own. You should just call him, meet with him. Explain everything.”

“I’ve successfully avoided him for two and a half weeks now,” she said. “I can at least avoid him for a few more days.” Or the rest of her life. She wasn’t picky. 

As much as she wanted to brush it off, there was nothing she could do to explain or make it easier for either of them to deal with. No words she could use to gloss over the fact that she loved him and he loved Patty. She had thought about forcing Caitlin to go and tell Barry that Iris was affected by a rare form of lightning psychosis and then turn it into a joke. Make it seemed like she planned it all along. 

It wasn’t like there was much _to_ explain. She told him she loved him; she, in fact, practically yelled it at him before throwing him out of their shared apartment. Iris saw the way Barry’s face dropped after she told him. She saw how lost he was for words. She didn’t need to relive that moment, didn’t need to have it thrown back in her face that by the time she realized she was in love with him he had moved on. What was she going to say? That she was sorry? That she didn’t mean it? Except that would be lying, both to Barry and herself, and that wasn’t fair to either of them. 

“Well, _when_  he finds you,” Linda said, “tell him I let you know he’s been looking for you. He’s stopped by the apartment at least twenty times in the past two weeks, and I guess he heard you were back from your assignment because he stopped by CCPN like five times today alone. I don’t want him to think I’ve been lying to him. If I ever get kidnapped by a super villain, he might not come and save me.”

Iris smiled. “Barry would never do that. He’s too good of a person.” A good person with a good heart that didn’t deserve all of the pain she was causing him. “And _if_  he finds me, I’ll let him know you didn’t lie.”

She heard a door open in the background of the call. “For what it’s worth, I think the conversation would go better than you expect.” There was a pregnant pause. She could imagine Linda setting down whatever ingredient she grabbed and licking her lips before saying something else. “I dated him, remember? And no one could ever compare to you in his mind, Iris.”

Linda hung up, not letting Iris get a word in to dispute or even refute what she’d said. To tell her that the days of Barry thinking only of Iris were over, and he had finally found that perfect, nerdy, funny, sweet girl that she’d always pushed him toward. That he had finally found someone more important to him than her.

Iris looked out at the water. She didn’t come down to the pier often, but the sight of the calm waves along with the setting sun was soothing. It made her broken heart feel a little less empty. Maybe she would apply for a job in Coast City, get an apartment with a view of the ocean. Get out of this place and all of the problems it caused. She’d heard rumors about a masked hero over there, and she could offer her services as a hero-writer. You know, build her career.

That’s what she told herself she was doing when she left town two and a half weeks ago on an emergency assignment. She basically fought with her editor to get the assignment, and only won out because she said she could leave that Saturday and would stay as long as necessary to get the job done. The assignment itself wasn’t anything great, and she technically stepped outside of the bounds of her beat by taking on a politics story, but it related enough with crime and heroics that she was able to slide by. And it got her out of town, far enough way that Barry wouldn’t be able to pop in for a quick conversation without leaving Central City unprotected for a good while. 

Her phone buzzed again and Iris glanced down to see Caitlin’s picture. Barry must be making the rounds to everyone she knew tonight; he’d stopped by the house first, and then went to Linda, and now Caitlin. He probably heard she was back in town. He wouldn’t stop until they talked. 

It was only a matter of time, she figured, before he did find her. Central City was big, but it wasn’t big enough for her to hide from the fastest man alive.

Even Cisco sent her a text, letting her know that (even though he was not taking sides), he refused to track the GPS on her phone for him. “Let the record show I am not getting involved,” he wrote. Which she greatly appreciated, because she wasn’t read to talk. To him or to anyone, not really. To her knowledge, only Barry and Linda knew the specifics of what went down that night, but she assumed that Barry clued Patty, Cisco, and Caitlin in as soon as possible. 

She wondered how Patty felt about all of it. What she thought of Iris’ revelation, her proclamation. If she thought that Iris was some kind of homewrecker, or a catty woman just trying to stake her claim. Which wasn’t at all what Iris meant to do, but she remembered how Eddie felt about Barry, and the things he said when he finally forced her to admit that Barry told her that he loved her. She remembered how angry and upset Eddie had been, how he told Iris that Barry had always had it out for them. 

Eddie realized there had always been three people in their relationship. Even though she loved Eddie, some part of her had always known it was true. It had been true then, and it was true when she told him to screw destiny, and it was true when Eddie died. Iris hadn’t wanted to admit it, then; she didn’t want to think about the truth behind those statements. 

Had Patty realized it? Was it even still true? She didn’t want to find out. Tears pricked at the edges of her eyes, but Iris just watched the sun fall beneath the horizon. 

“Out of all the places I thought I would find you, I have to say, this was not very high on the list,” he said. 

She didn’t turn to look it him. It had only been a matter of time. She knew that when her train pulled into the station. She knew it when her dad gave her a call. She knew it when she picked up the phone and Linda declared that he just left. 

“Do you mind if I sit down?”

Iris shook her head. “Be my guest,” she said, gesturing to the empty space next to her. 

They fell into silence. She wanted to turn and look at him, but her wildly beating heart wasn’t to be trusted; just looking at him could make her heartbreak worse or could put crazy ideas into her head. 

“How was your trip?” Barry asked. “I hear Metropolis is nice this time of year.” 

She shrugged. “I didn’t get to see much of the city,” she said. “I was there on assignment. Doesn’t leave much time for exploring.” 

“I could’ve found the time,” he said, and she could hear the humor in his voice. “It would’ve taken, what, a few minutes? Metropolis isn’t _that_  big.” 

Iris glanced out of the side of her eye and saw that Barry was facing the water, his arms crossed, with a grin on his face. “Not all of us can run a mile in three seconds,” she reminded him. She tried to smile back, to show him that she could also joke. 

Maybe he had come to let her know that whatever had happened didn’t change anything. Maybe this was his way of letting her know that he wanted to forget her confession, too, and pretend that nothing had changed between them.

Barry rocked forward, letting his elbows fall onto his knees. She peeled herself away from looking at his flexing arms and stared back at the water. She waited for him to speak, to bring something up, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he seemed to survey the land, and she could see his head shake slightly as he looked out at the pier. “Out of all of the places she could’ve gone,” Barry whispered almost too quiet for her to understand, not looking at her, “why here?”

“What was that?” 

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Just talking to myself.” 

They were quiet again. She wasn’t sure what she should say, or if there was anything she needed to say. Should she try and say something? To make sure that he was on the same page and wanted to forget about it? Or should she just try and leave? Make up an excuse and leave him behind? 

“Iris,” he said, and her name sounded like a sigh on his lips. “We need to talk.”

She pursed her lips. “I don’t think we do, actually. I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to say.”

He sat up straight. “You do?” he asked. 

“Of course I do. I’m not an idiot, Barry. I told you… I said something to you, the last time we talked, and it was unfair of me. It was completely unfair of me to tell you, especially like that, how I felt about you. And right now, you’re going to do the nice thing and tell me that while you love me like a best friend, you just don’t see me that way anymore.”

“That’s-”

She turned to face him. He was staring at her, slightly wide eyed; like he was surprised and uncomfortable with the way the situation was developing. Yeah, well. That made two of them. “I know, okay? I know my timing couldn’t be worse. You finally got over me, and it took me until then to realize that I loved you, and I had loved you for a long time. Maybe… maybe not as long as you–it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you love Patty. You finally found someone perfect for you and you trust her and you love her. I’m not going to stand in the way of that.”

Barry opened his mouth, but Iris held up her hand. “I promise. Okay? I promise I won’t get in the way of what you have with her.” Her voice shook a little. “I know it will take a while for you to trust that, but I’m planning on taking a step back from everything.”

“Iris,” he said. He reached out and put a hand on her arm, but Iris leaped up, pulling away from him.

“I don’t want to make this hard on either of us, okay? And you probably need space, and I _know_ I need space. So if you came here to tell me that you needed some time to focus on your relationship with Patty, I get it, I do. If you came here to tell me that you love Patty, don’t worry. I already…” she sniffed, and hated herself for crying right now. “I already know.”

“You don’t-”

She laughed, her voice a little hysteric. “I’ve seen the way you look at her, and the way you say her name. God, I’ve seen the way you smile at her. I… you’ve never looked at anyone else like that. I’ve know you your whole life, Barry Allen. You don’t think I can tell?”

She stopped, finally, her chest heaving. A few tears dripped down her cheeks, and she tried to smile but her muscles were shaky, and it probably looked like she was trying hard not to cry even more. 

“That’s not what I came here to say,” Barry told her. 

He stood up, then, shooting into her personal space. They were so close together, probably less than a foot apart. He was close enough to see the tears on her lashes, to see the red of her eyes. 

She took a deep breath and looked up at him, waiting for him to say something. To say anything. To let her know why he ran all over town to find her. If it wasn’t to tell her that he was going to focus on his relationship with Patty, then what was it? Was he going to tell her that he wanted to just stay friends? What he had done a lot of thinking? Or to say that he missed her, and to pull her into his arms, before telling her they were talk about everything else later?

The wind blew, and Iris shivered in her green jacket. 

“Is that really what you think?” he said, his brow furrowed. “That I love her? That I came here to tell you that I wanted to be friends?”

“Y-yeah,” Iris said.

Barry reached out and grabbed her hand, enveloping it in the warmth of his own. “I’m not even really sure where to start,” he said quietly. “Iris, Patty and I broke up. I mean, yeah, she is nice. And I liked her a lot, but god. She’s not you. She’s never been _you_.”

Iris blinked. “I don’t understand,” she said. Her brain wasn’t processing his words correctly. She didn’t get it. Of course Patty had never been her. That was the benefit. She was sciencey and nerdy and didn’t have a history longer than the Mississippi river with him. 

“I never got over you, Iris,” he said, and her heart jumped. “I tried to. I thought… I thought after Eddie and everything that happened that you would never want to be with me. That’s how I ended up in a relationship with Patty. I thought that I needed her to be happy, and I thought that I needed to get over you. But it never felt quite right.”

He paused, and she couldn’t look anywhere but in his eyes. “Then you told me that you loved me, and that you were in love with me, and it all made sense. Why it never felt right, and why the weeks you avoided me were some of the worst of my life even though I had Patty and was truthful with her.” Barry took a deep breath, and Iris did too, her heart thundering in her chest. 

“Iris, I still love you. I never _stopped_ loving you. Honestly, I don’t think I ever could.”

Iris bit her lip, and then reached up with her free hand, placing it on his cheek. She stared at him for a second, and then stood on her toes, lifting up to kiss him. Her lips found his and Iris closed her eyes, letting go of his hand to place both of hers on his face. She felt his fingers fall onto her waist, and then he pulled her closer, leaning into her to deepen the kiss. 

They broke apart seconds or minutes or hours later, she couldn’t tell. She was smiling, she realized, and she couldn’t stop. “I love you, too. I mean, you know that. Of course you know that.”

He laughed, and the smile stayed on his face as he stared down at her. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” 


End file.
